"High Times"

I once had a guy compare me to Paris Hilton, not in the sex tape or dumb blond way, but that I generally have a full social calendar. Recently, I apparently felt the need to prove him right in a series of events that only spiraled more out of control as the week progressed.

Wednesday night was the start of my downfall for the week. I had intentions of working late and actually being productive, until the temptation to join some of my girls for half priced wine won out. We then moved to another venue where we met up with more friends and the drinking continued. As we played a game of pool and I managed to sink three balls in a row without so much as them lightly brushing the sides, I knew I had managed to drink more than I realized since I am only decent at pool when I have a buzz or more. We then moved to a table where I proceeded to flirt with Turtle for reasons that are still unknown to me because it's not like I would even remotely get something out of it. As we went to leave, a friend that is more often than not intoxicated sat in the lap of Turtle. I blew it off as her being drunk and just not realizing what she was doing until I heard the story of him driving him home. You see, she started to freak out because the vehicle didn't have doors, windows, or a roof and she felt as though she might fall out because even though she had a seat belt on, she couldn't find anything to hold on to. Apparently some light bulb managed to go off in one of the few brain cells slightly working that night because she proceeded to tell Turtle she knew what she could hold onto and then grabbed his package! Now keep in mind that I have ridden in the same vehicle while I was intoxicated on my way back to his house, and I still didn't feel the need to find my own oh shit stick. Although maybe it was because on some level I knew nothing was going to happen or it could have been the other people in the car, not that other people have ever stopped me before!

Fast forward to Thursday night where I met up with some friends after their kickball practice at the bar from the previous night. We eventually moved to the loft area where there are couches and a big screen. I sat on the couch next to one of the kickball boys and was watching part of the Colts game to see if everyone was right and they were really going to lose. Kickball boy got up and the other two guys who were there started talking to me. One was pretty cute with a pretty good sense of humor, so I kicked up the flirting a bit. I learned that he was 32, went to Appalachian, and shared some of the same interests (I swear I don't know what it is with these App boys). As he was leaving he asked for my number, and I felt certain that he would call. Apparently I couldn't have been more wrong because here it is over a week later and still no call, and since I read the book I know he must just not be into me.

Friday night I had every intention of staying in since PTA was supposed to call me when his poker game was over. Then I received a text message from a friend saying that they were at the normal Friday spot, and I figured why should I wait around for him when I could be out having fun. I also think secretly on some level I wanted him to call while I was out where I could slightly blow him off. As luck would have it, we left the bar around 1:00 and still no call. The call finally came around 3:00 while I was sound asleep and barely conscious, so my plan for trying to be socially fabulous when he called went right out the window!

The final night of mayhem happened on Saturday when I went out with some of my sorority sisters to see an amazing local cover band that I absolutely love! The intoxicated friend from Wednesday also met us, and surprise, surprise she was once again drunk and managed to pick up a man that had white hair and wrinkles! The night at the bar was fairly tame for me and my sisters. Then we got home and one of my sisters decided to spend the night as she couldn't drive. We planned to make some snacks and watch a movie, when as I was putting food in the oven there was a knock at the door. It was of course HD and the new roommate SS. We all sat around talking for a bit before heading next door to play pool. My sorority sister came back to my place for more beer, at which point I went to see if she needed help after being gone for awhile. As we were crossing the lawn, HD came out and said, "I need to talk to you right now." I thought to myself, here we go again, and when I told him to go ahead he said he needed to talk to me at my house. I made him get my house key from my sister, and as soon as we walked he in the door he turned to me and said, " Are we going to have sex tonight or not?" I replied, "Well, when you put it that way, let me think about it...um no." At this point he starts walking upstairs and informs me he is going to bed, and I reply that he is not staying at my place. He continues into my bedroom and starts to strip, and I try to make myself perfectly clear that nothing is going to happen and he is not sleeping over. He then replies, "Well I have to take one for the team and have sex with you tonight so SS can get with your friend next door." At this point, I think I was a little too easy on him when I threw his clothes back at him and told him that if that was the case he didn't have to worry about sleeping with me and taking one for the team again. Then, the drunk ass managed to fall down the steps before passing out on the couch. I went next door for another game of pool, and then came home to bed. My second mistake of the night was not closing my bedroom door and locking it (I really thought his roommate was going to come get him and I knew my sorority sister would need a place to crash) because I was woken up by him climbing on top of me somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 am! I pretended to be asleep until I heard him start snoring again and then I slowly extracted myself limb by limb until I was free of the drunkard. At which point, I hear giggling downstairs and realize that my sorority sister was still entertaining SS. I finally managed to get the boys out of my house 4 hours later after being propositioned for both an orgy and a threesome and get some sleep. If I wasn't finished with HD after that night, finding condoms strewn about my yard this week put the final touches on the situation to where I can honestly say that I am D-O-N-E with him! At least the condoms weren't used though, and I guess one some level I should feel flattered that I was apparently worth the $10.00 it took to decorate my lawn!

"Girls Just Want to Have Fun"

A former housemate of mine is getting married this October, and I thought I would throw her a little shindig to help her celebrate her last few months of freedom before she disappears into the abyss of newlywed status. I also thought what better way to help her get ready for the sex that is most likely to accompany this abyss than a sex toy party prior to hitting the town. We drank our Tie Me to the Bedposts and laughed as we applied edible lotions to our arms to taste the flavors, and the comments and giggles that followed could only mean that we were in for one very interesting night! As we all took turns ordering we of course drank more alcohol, which only served to fuel our new found love affair for Tiny, the 15 inch giant purple penis. While I have not had the pleasure of seeing the Paris Hilton sex tape, I am quite sure that our pictures posing with our new friend would probably serve as some hefty competition in the scandal department.

As we headed downtown to hit the bars, we could be classified into three groups, the sober drivers, the drunker ones, and the drunkest ones. Since death seemed a much better option than moving even a millimeter in my bed the next morning, I am pretty sure that I could be classified into the later group (well that and the fact that right before we left I sucked down two more drinks like they were Kool-Aid without mixing in Sprite so it was basically 32 ounces of liquor). I am not 100% sure of the events that followed, but I am pretty sure that they were along the lines of me slightly flashing the bouncer some cleavage because the bachelorette had lost her license somewhere between my house and the bar. Then, as if I hadn't already had enough to drink, I kept on drinking at the bar. There were some key moments as I am sure you can imagine where all 15 of us got excited about the poles and did our best stripper impressions. I am pretty sure that my other friend's new boy toy thinks that I propositioned him as I made the comment that we tend to share when she went to the bathroom (I swear I was talking about dancing partners). Then upon being felt up while dancing by some really young short guy, I looked at him and held my hand out above my head and told him that he needed to be "this tall to ride this ride." Just when I thought the night couldn't be anymore entertaining, we found HD waiting on the tailgate of his truck for me in his driveway and he had left me another love note (ok well really a booty call note) on my door. As his roommate, the drunkard, was out of town at the beach, I eventually followed him next door. All I can say is that serious talk + excessive amounts of alcohol = one very bad idea and nothing I say once the room starts spinning should be taken at face value!