"Just Another Scandal"

When I was in 8th Grade, a boy once expressed interest in me by having his friend ask me out for him. Cautious that the friend may have only been kidding, I gave him my number and told him to have the boy call me and ask me himself that night if he was serious. The boy did call, and after an hour phone conversation told me that he loved me, to which I gave a simple reply of, "um, thanks I guess." Clearly that wasn't the answer he was looking for because he broke up with me the next day and told me that he couldn't go out with someone that couldn't express her feelings for him. True to form I replied, "I wasn't aware that an hour phone conversation meant I needed to declare my love for you, I'm only in 8th grade after all!" I'm pretty sure there were some tears (his not mine) and we never talked again. Fast forward to present times, and it is middle school deja vue all over again with Turtle.

It all started with wine as I met one of my sorority sisters for dinner one Wednesday in September, and I had the brilliant idea to go shopping for new lingerie to wear to Mr. Michigan's pajama party the following week. Well, $400.00 and a phone call from Ms. Elementary School later, we were on our way to Europa for even more wine. As we stood at the bar, waiting for our bottle, a very drunk gentlemen pointed at me and screamed, "I know you, I'll be right over!" My sorority sister asked how I knew him and I explained that I honestly had no idea. We waited for a bit since while the guy wasn't exactly gorgeous, curiosity was getting the best of me, and then decided to go out to the patio. As I passed the drunk guy he once again commented, "I know you, you're Marilyn Monroe! Look at those lips, can I just get one kiss?" I laughed it off, but kissed him on the cheek as I was afraid he might become belligerent if I declined. As we stood on the patio area, two guys kept checking me and my sorority sister out, when Turtle showed up gave me a quick hug hello and walked up to a table. When Ms. Elementary School arrived, we all caught up on the latest boy dramas in each other's lives and then went to leave when our bottle was finished. The boys from earlier were waiting by the exit, introduced themselves, and offered to walk us to our car. I know, I know, red flags were going off but we really weren't parked that far away and it was well lit. Not long after we arrived at the car, my sorority sister took off behind a car and started making out with her new boy toy from New York. My own Junior Mafia member made the moves on me, and I decided to blame it on the wine and lingerie purchase and go with it. As we were riding back to my car, I text messaged Ms. Elementary School and informed her that I had just made out with a random guy in a parking lot for an hour. She replied, "What? Where? And by the way Turtle saw your message!" She then called me for details and informed me that Turtle had wanted me to come home with him. Clearly I need to bring along a translator fluent in 20 something male when I go out because I wasn't aware that by saying hi and giving me a hug, he actually meant come home with me tonight!

Thursday night, I attended a social for area alumni from Elon with some friends and my sister at Mcoul's. We then went to The Burro to meet Ms. Elementary School and play corn hole. After a game, having a guy buy me a beer, and getting a lot of shit from my friends about how the guys playing stopped dead in their tracks as I walked into the room, my friends left. As I was playing some more corn hole with Ms. Elementary School and her kickball team, Turtle walked in and this time said hi and asked if I had fun in the parking lot. Fast forward to a little later in the night when Ms. Elementary School's boy toy comes up to me and tells me that once again Turtle wants to know if I am coming home with him, to which I reply, "Tell him to ask me himself!" Since I am typically not one to wait around, I gave him an hour and then left as I clearly needed to find a bed if I was going to make it to work the following day.

This brings us to Friday night, where we had decided that we needed a break from all the boy drama and that we were going to have a girls' night. The shots started flowing (my best guess is that I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 - 15 that night) and we had a full hour of girls' night before the boys started to infiltrate with text messages. At one point, Ms. Elementary School informs me that her boy toy has texted her asking if I am coming back with her to Turtle's, to which I almost screamed, "Tell him to ask me himself!" Several more shots later, I get a text message asking if I am coming over from a number I didn't recognize, so I ignored it and took another shot. As the bar was closing, I notice that I have a voicemail from what I thought to be Turtle (I later learned the following day that he had a friend call from his phone and ask if I was coming over). As Ms. Elementary School and I are on our way over, she opens her mouth starts to say something, and then says nevermind a few times. I finally tell her out with it and she tells me that I have to promise not to get mad, where my immediate response is, "Oh fuck, I am in trouble!" She assures me that it is nothing like that but that Turtle and his friend are currently trying to figure out who gets to hook up with me when I get there. Since I could have either gotten mad, or taken it as a compliment and be flattered, I decided to keep my happy buzz and be flattered. While the friend was kind of cute, I didn't want to be the slutty girl that gets passed around so I opted for Turtle. Although in retrospect, I may not have had the female case of blue balls the next morning had I opted to go with the friend and may have actually been satisfied as I would have most likely had sex.....

"High Times"

I once had a guy compare me to Paris Hilton, not in the sex tape or dumb blond way, but that I generally have a full social calendar. Recently, I apparently felt the need to prove him right in a series of events that only spiraled more out of control as the week progressed.

Wednesday night was the start of my downfall for the week. I had intentions of working late and actually being productive, until the temptation to join some of my girls for half priced wine won out. We then moved to another venue where we met up with more friends and the drinking continued. As we played a game of pool and I managed to sink three balls in a row without so much as them lightly brushing the sides, I knew I had managed to drink more than I realized since I am only decent at pool when I have a buzz or more. We then moved to a table where I proceeded to flirt with Turtle for reasons that are still unknown to me because it's not like I would even remotely get something out of it. As we went to leave, a friend that is more often than not intoxicated sat in the lap of Turtle. I blew it off as her being drunk and just not realizing what she was doing until I heard the story of him driving him home. You see, she started to freak out because the vehicle didn't have doors, windows, or a roof and she felt as though she might fall out because even though she had a seat belt on, she couldn't find anything to hold on to. Apparently some light bulb managed to go off in one of the few brain cells slightly working that night because she proceeded to tell Turtle she knew what she could hold onto and then grabbed his package! Now keep in mind that I have ridden in the same vehicle while I was intoxicated on my way back to his house, and I still didn't feel the need to find my own oh shit stick. Although maybe it was because on some level I knew nothing was going to happen or it could have been the other people in the car, not that other people have ever stopped me before!

Fast forward to Thursday night where I met up with some friends after their kickball practice at the bar from the previous night. We eventually moved to the loft area where there are couches and a big screen. I sat on the couch next to one of the kickball boys and was watching part of the Colts game to see if everyone was right and they were really going to lose. Kickball boy got up and the other two guys who were there started talking to me. One was pretty cute with a pretty good sense of humor, so I kicked up the flirting a bit. I learned that he was 32, went to Appalachian, and shared some of the same interests (I swear I don't know what it is with these App boys). As he was leaving he asked for my number, and I felt certain that he would call. Apparently I couldn't have been more wrong because here it is over a week later and still no call, and since I read the book I know he must just not be into me.

Friday night I had every intention of staying in since PTA was supposed to call me when his poker game was over. Then I received a text message from a friend saying that they were at the normal Friday spot, and I figured why should I wait around for him when I could be out having fun. I also think secretly on some level I wanted him to call while I was out where I could slightly blow him off. As luck would have it, we left the bar around 1:00 and still no call. The call finally came around 3:00 while I was sound asleep and barely conscious, so my plan for trying to be socially fabulous when he called went right out the window!

The final night of mayhem happened on Saturday when I went out with some of my sorority sisters to see an amazing local cover band that I absolutely love! The intoxicated friend from Wednesday also met us, and surprise, surprise she was once again drunk and managed to pick up a man that had white hair and wrinkles! The night at the bar was fairly tame for me and my sisters. Then we got home and one of my sisters decided to spend the night as she couldn't drive. We planned to make some snacks and watch a movie, when as I was putting food in the oven there was a knock at the door. It was of course HD and the new roommate SS. We all sat around talking for a bit before heading next door to play pool. My sorority sister came back to my place for more beer, at which point I went to see if she needed help after being gone for awhile. As we were crossing the lawn, HD came out and said, "I need to talk to you right now." I thought to myself, here we go again, and when I told him to go ahead he said he needed to talk to me at my house. I made him get my house key from my sister, and as soon as we walked he in the door he turned to me and said, " Are we going to have sex tonight or not?" I replied, "Well, when you put it that way, let me think about it...um no." At this point he starts walking upstairs and informs me he is going to bed, and I reply that he is not staying at my place. He continues into my bedroom and starts to strip, and I try to make myself perfectly clear that nothing is going to happen and he is not sleeping over. He then replies, "Well I have to take one for the team and have sex with you tonight so SS can get with your friend next door." At this point, I think I was a little too easy on him when I threw his clothes back at him and told him that if that was the case he didn't have to worry about sleeping with me and taking one for the team again. Then, the drunk ass managed to fall down the steps before passing out on the couch. I went next door for another game of pool, and then came home to bed. My second mistake of the night was not closing my bedroom door and locking it (I really thought his roommate was going to come get him and I knew my sorority sister would need a place to crash) because I was woken up by him climbing on top of me somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 am! I pretended to be asleep until I heard him start snoring again and then I slowly extracted myself limb by limb until I was free of the drunkard. At which point, I hear giggling downstairs and realize that my sorority sister was still entertaining SS. I finally managed to get the boys out of my house 4 hours later after being propositioned for both an orgy and a threesome and get some sleep. If I wasn't finished with HD after that night, finding condoms strewn about my yard this week put the final touches on the situation to where I can honestly say that I am D-O-N-E with him! At least the condoms weren't used though, and I guess one some level I should feel flattered that I was apparently worth the $10.00 it took to decorate my lawn!

"Kiss Me Fool"

A very dear friend called me recently to ask if I wanted to grab a drink with her that evening. Since I was off the following day from work and it was pitcher night at one of my favorite bars, she certainly didn't have to twist my arm very hard. I was also very excited about the prospect of seeing her and spending some quality girl time. I picked her up and we headed downtown to start what would be the first of several pitchers that evening.

As with any girls' night, the talk moved in the direction of the male sex. At this point, the friend felt compelled to apologize to a former fling who had rather gentlemanly held her hair back and rubbed her back as she was bent over my porch railing a few weeks prior. Text messages followed, and before we knew it he was on his way to the bar with a friend to meet us for drinks. The friend he brought also happened to be a guy I knew from high school, who I'll call Turtle for reasons that will be obvious soon. We shared quite a few pitchers that evening, and somehow our conversation evolved to the subject of hot tubs. At this point, Turtle asked a theoretical question as to whether or not I would go back to his place if he promised me a dip in the hot tub. You see, he was contemplating the idea and was conducting a very scientific research study to qualify his purchase. As many of you know, I have an affinity for hot tubs, so my official reply to the study was yes. Those of you who have conducted research in the past know that any legitimate study must have a control subject, which happened to be the question of whether I would return to his place since he didn't have said hot tub. My official reply to this question was maybe. As the bar began to close, my friend and I held a conference in the ladies' room in which we agreed to return to the Turtle's house for at least a little bit.

My friend and I were not sure of the best way to arrive at the house, so we split up and her interest rode with me. He questioned what I thought of the Turtle, mentioned that I was definitely the Turtle's type, and explained that I may have to make the first move. My response was that I do not make the first move, particularly when I have very little evidence of said interest. Therefore, when we arrived at the house, the boys were forced to have a little pep talk as the Turtle originally started to do laundry. We later went in the living room and began to watch a movie, and shortly after my friend and her interest left the living room and moved to the other bedroom. I thought to myself, maybe now he will finally make a move on me! I was sadly mistaken though and found myself transported back to the high school game of "Will He or Won't He." It started with a hand on my thigh, slowly progressing to hand holding, then his head on my shoulder as he put his arms around me. My best guesstimate would be that almost an hour and a half later, he finally kissed me! He then suggested that as the couch was not very comfortable, we move to his bedroom. He was a perfect gentleman as we lay there talking, me laying on top of him as he scratched my back and mixing in an occasional kiss. As I rolled over to go to sleep, he earned major bonus points as he turned to spoon me, entwine my fingers with his, and every now and then kiss my shoulder. I guess the fable about the turtle proves true because clearly slow and steady wins the race!