"Just Another Scandal"

When I was in 8th Grade, a boy once expressed interest in me by having his friend ask me out for him. Cautious that the friend may have only been kidding, I gave him my number and told him to have the boy call me and ask me himself that night if he was serious. The boy did call, and after an hour phone conversation told me that he loved me, to which I gave a simple reply of, "um, thanks I guess." Clearly that wasn't the answer he was looking for because he broke up with me the next day and told me that he couldn't go out with someone that couldn't express her feelings for him. True to form I replied, "I wasn't aware that an hour phone conversation meant I needed to declare my love for you, I'm only in 8th grade after all!" I'm pretty sure there were some tears (his not mine) and we never talked again. Fast forward to present times, and it is middle school deja vue all over again with Turtle.

It all started with wine as I met one of my sorority sisters for dinner one Wednesday in September, and I had the brilliant idea to go shopping for new lingerie to wear to Mr. Michigan's pajama party the following week. Well, $400.00 and a phone call from Ms. Elementary School later, we were on our way to Europa for even more wine. As we stood at the bar, waiting for our bottle, a very drunk gentlemen pointed at me and screamed, "I know you, I'll be right over!" My sorority sister asked how I knew him and I explained that I honestly had no idea. We waited for a bit since while the guy wasn't exactly gorgeous, curiosity was getting the best of me, and then decided to go out to the patio. As I passed the drunk guy he once again commented, "I know you, you're Marilyn Monroe! Look at those lips, can I just get one kiss?" I laughed it off, but kissed him on the cheek as I was afraid he might become belligerent if I declined. As we stood on the patio area, two guys kept checking me and my sorority sister out, when Turtle showed up gave me a quick hug hello and walked up to a table. When Ms. Elementary School arrived, we all caught up on the latest boy dramas in each other's lives and then went to leave when our bottle was finished. The boys from earlier were waiting by the exit, introduced themselves, and offered to walk us to our car. I know, I know, red flags were going off but we really weren't parked that far away and it was well lit. Not long after we arrived at the car, my sorority sister took off behind a car and started making out with her new boy toy from New York. My own Junior Mafia member made the moves on me, and I decided to blame it on the wine and lingerie purchase and go with it. As we were riding back to my car, I text messaged Ms. Elementary School and informed her that I had just made out with a random guy in a parking lot for an hour. She replied, "What? Where? And by the way Turtle saw your message!" She then called me for details and informed me that Turtle had wanted me to come home with him. Clearly I need to bring along a translator fluent in 20 something male when I go out because I wasn't aware that by saying hi and giving me a hug, he actually meant come home with me tonight!

Thursday night, I attended a social for area alumni from Elon with some friends and my sister at Mcoul's. We then went to The Burro to meet Ms. Elementary School and play corn hole. After a game, having a guy buy me a beer, and getting a lot of shit from my friends about how the guys playing stopped dead in their tracks as I walked into the room, my friends left. As I was playing some more corn hole with Ms. Elementary School and her kickball team, Turtle walked in and this time said hi and asked if I had fun in the parking lot. Fast forward to a little later in the night when Ms. Elementary School's boy toy comes up to me and tells me that once again Turtle wants to know if I am coming home with him, to which I reply, "Tell him to ask me himself!" Since I am typically not one to wait around, I gave him an hour and then left as I clearly needed to find a bed if I was going to make it to work the following day.

This brings us to Friday night, where we had decided that we needed a break from all the boy drama and that we were going to have a girls' night. The shots started flowing (my best guess is that I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 10 - 15 that night) and we had a full hour of girls' night before the boys started to infiltrate with text messages. At one point, Ms. Elementary School informs me that her boy toy has texted her asking if I am coming back with her to Turtle's, to which I almost screamed, "Tell him to ask me himself!" Several more shots later, I get a text message asking if I am coming over from a number I didn't recognize, so I ignored it and took another shot. As the bar was closing, I notice that I have a voicemail from what I thought to be Turtle (I later learned the following day that he had a friend call from his phone and ask if I was coming over). As Ms. Elementary School and I are on our way over, she opens her mouth starts to say something, and then says nevermind a few times. I finally tell her out with it and she tells me that I have to promise not to get mad, where my immediate response is, "Oh fuck, I am in trouble!" She assures me that it is nothing like that but that Turtle and his friend are currently trying to figure out who gets to hook up with me when I get there. Since I could have either gotten mad, or taken it as a compliment and be flattered, I decided to keep my happy buzz and be flattered. While the friend was kind of cute, I didn't want to be the slutty girl that gets passed around so I opted for Turtle. Although in retrospect, I may not have had the female case of blue balls the next morning had I opted to go with the friend and may have actually been satisfied as I would have most likely had sex.....

"High Times"

I once had a guy compare me to Paris Hilton, not in the sex tape or dumb blond way, but that I generally have a full social calendar. Recently, I apparently felt the need to prove him right in a series of events that only spiraled more out of control as the week progressed.

Wednesday night was the start of my downfall for the week. I had intentions of working late and actually being productive, until the temptation to join some of my girls for half priced wine won out. We then moved to another venue where we met up with more friends and the drinking continued. As we played a game of pool and I managed to sink three balls in a row without so much as them lightly brushing the sides, I knew I had managed to drink more than I realized since I am only decent at pool when I have a buzz or more. We then moved to a table where I proceeded to flirt with Turtle for reasons that are still unknown to me because it's not like I would even remotely get something out of it. As we went to leave, a friend that is more often than not intoxicated sat in the lap of Turtle. I blew it off as her being drunk and just not realizing what she was doing until I heard the story of him driving him home. You see, she started to freak out because the vehicle didn't have doors, windows, or a roof and she felt as though she might fall out because even though she had a seat belt on, she couldn't find anything to hold on to. Apparently some light bulb managed to go off in one of the few brain cells slightly working that night because she proceeded to tell Turtle she knew what she could hold onto and then grabbed his package! Now keep in mind that I have ridden in the same vehicle while I was intoxicated on my way back to his house, and I still didn't feel the need to find my own oh shit stick. Although maybe it was because on some level I knew nothing was going to happen or it could have been the other people in the car, not that other people have ever stopped me before!

Fast forward to Thursday night where I met up with some friends after their kickball practice at the bar from the previous night. We eventually moved to the loft area where there are couches and a big screen. I sat on the couch next to one of the kickball boys and was watching part of the Colts game to see if everyone was right and they were really going to lose. Kickball boy got up and the other two guys who were there started talking to me. One was pretty cute with a pretty good sense of humor, so I kicked up the flirting a bit. I learned that he was 32, went to Appalachian, and shared some of the same interests (I swear I don't know what it is with these App boys). As he was leaving he asked for my number, and I felt certain that he would call. Apparently I couldn't have been more wrong because here it is over a week later and still no call, and since I read the book I know he must just not be into me.

Friday night I had every intention of staying in since PTA was supposed to call me when his poker game was over. Then I received a text message from a friend saying that they were at the normal Friday spot, and I figured why should I wait around for him when I could be out having fun. I also think secretly on some level I wanted him to call while I was out where I could slightly blow him off. As luck would have it, we left the bar around 1:00 and still no call. The call finally came around 3:00 while I was sound asleep and barely conscious, so my plan for trying to be socially fabulous when he called went right out the window!

The final night of mayhem happened on Saturday when I went out with some of my sorority sisters to see an amazing local cover band that I absolutely love! The intoxicated friend from Wednesday also met us, and surprise, surprise she was once again drunk and managed to pick up a man that had white hair and wrinkles! The night at the bar was fairly tame for me and my sisters. Then we got home and one of my sisters decided to spend the night as she couldn't drive. We planned to make some snacks and watch a movie, when as I was putting food in the oven there was a knock at the door. It was of course HD and the new roommate SS. We all sat around talking for a bit before heading next door to play pool. My sorority sister came back to my place for more beer, at which point I went to see if she needed help after being gone for awhile. As we were crossing the lawn, HD came out and said, "I need to talk to you right now." I thought to myself, here we go again, and when I told him to go ahead he said he needed to talk to me at my house. I made him get my house key from my sister, and as soon as we walked he in the door he turned to me and said, " Are we going to have sex tonight or not?" I replied, "Well, when you put it that way, let me think about it...um no." At this point he starts walking upstairs and informs me he is going to bed, and I reply that he is not staying at my place. He continues into my bedroom and starts to strip, and I try to make myself perfectly clear that nothing is going to happen and he is not sleeping over. He then replies, "Well I have to take one for the team and have sex with you tonight so SS can get with your friend next door." At this point, I think I was a little too easy on him when I threw his clothes back at him and told him that if that was the case he didn't have to worry about sleeping with me and taking one for the team again. Then, the drunk ass managed to fall down the steps before passing out on the couch. I went next door for another game of pool, and then came home to bed. My second mistake of the night was not closing my bedroom door and locking it (I really thought his roommate was going to come get him and I knew my sorority sister would need a place to crash) because I was woken up by him climbing on top of me somewhere in the neighborhood of 6 am! I pretended to be asleep until I heard him start snoring again and then I slowly extracted myself limb by limb until I was free of the drunkard. At which point, I hear giggling downstairs and realize that my sorority sister was still entertaining SS. I finally managed to get the boys out of my house 4 hours later after being propositioned for both an orgy and a threesome and get some sleep. If I wasn't finished with HD after that night, finding condoms strewn about my yard this week put the final touches on the situation to where I can honestly say that I am D-O-N-E with him! At least the condoms weren't used though, and I guess one some level I should feel flattered that I was apparently worth the $10.00 it took to decorate my lawn!

"Gimme Some Lovin"

I currently have four ringtones on my phone to give me a general idea of who may be calling me at any particular moment in time. When my girls call me, I hear "Escape, The Pina Colada Song" by Rupert Holmes, and when it's one of my boys I hear G. Love's "Baby's Got Sauce." My parents and sister ring "Everything" by Michael Buble, and for the sake of humor, I gave PTA "The Distance" by Cake.

A few weeks ago I was off somewhere in dreamland, probably quite content when I was suddenly transported to a Cake concert in my dream. As I was sound asleep, it took me a few minutes to realize that in reality it was my phone and not my own personal concert. Since it was barely 5:00 am on a Monday, I couldn't imagine why PTA would be calling me at this particular hour, so curiosity got the better of me and I answered the phone. As it turns out, he was on the way to the airport in Raleigh and wanted to know if a detour by my house was possible. I said yes because I am obviously weak and have no self control when he is involved. I was attempting to give him directions as I ran around like a crazed person trying to shave my legs, brush my teeth, and make myself halfway presentable in the 15 minutes it took him to get to my house.

I opened the door to say hi, and as I closed it, I was backed up against it as we kissed and clothes started flying off. We moved things upstairs where we alternated between fooling around, kissing, talking, and spooning. The half hour that he was here flew by way too quickly, although I'm sure that a few of my tricks should lead him back here eventually. He called to tell me he made it to the airport ok, how much fun he had, how hot he thought I am, and that he would call me later in the week. All I can say is that if I started all my Monday mornings that way, my stress level at work would go down considerably!

As for the whole PTA situation, I have decided that trying not to be attracted to him and having feelings is obviously not working, so I am just going to go with the flow. I plan on having fun and enjoying the ride until someone comes along who makes me as happy but is actually available.

"I Know What Boys Like"

Have you ever noticed that when you believe you are in for a fairly tame night that it ends up being fairly crazy and vice versa? It's almost as if the nightlife gods have nothing better to do at night than to keep themselves entertained by switching things up on us. For instance, you think you have a relatively low-key night planned out, and then BOOM, they throw in an ex-boyfriend for drama or the friend who manages to drink a little too much and you end up chasing her around the bar babysitting her so that she doesn't wind up doing something she'll regret. As we went out on the town to celebrate the birthday of my elementary school friend's boy toy's sister (I promise it gets slightly easier to follow from this point), I thought I was in for a fairly low-key night.

Since I didn't want to be the third wheel to the fairly new couple (they are still in that honeymoon stage if you catch my drift), I called a few friends to see who might want to join me. I had confirmed with my friend that Turtle, a friend of the boy toy who I recently took it to second base with, would most likely not attend the festivities. Therefore, when the majority of my girlfriends reported that they had other plans, I called Mr. Michigan (who you may recall that my friends believe may have a slight thing for me) and invited him. Mr. Michigan was at an engagement party for a friend, but when I called decided to leave the event to hit the town with me. I know, I know this should raise a red flag that he is interested, but in the two years I have known him he has never even remotely made a move, and just the week prior I'm pretty sure his roommate was hitting on me. In the meantime, elementary school friend hears from the boy toy that Turtle is indeed joining us and that we should meet them at Turtle's house for a drink. I can't very well call Mr. Michigan and tell now that he's been on the road for a good 45 minutes not to come and turn around and go back to his party, so I devise a plan B where we call another friend of ours to help me keep him entertained. My elementary school friend and I then head to Turtle's house where we join the boys for a drink and get ready to head to the bar, at which point Turtle announces he is going to drive.

Once we get to the bar, elementary school friend decides that she will drink with me and we can figure out the whole sleeping thing later. So we all start drinking, and eventually Mr. Michigan shows up and joins us. Now the boys are getting on famously at this point, and us girls are continuing to drink. As the alcohol keeps flowing, Turtle and I become more and more touchy feely with one another. Ok, actually I think I temporarily morphed into one of the people I hate because while the events are slightly hazed with remnants of Bud Light, I do remember holding hands, whispering in each other's ears, and basically just begging for someone to scream "Get a room" to us. However, everyone is still getting along and everything seems fine. Well at least that is until Turtle and I are dancing, and he leans in to kiss me (which actually happened a few more times that night). I'm not sure if it was just a coincidence or not, but very soon in the near future after that I feel a tap on my shoulder where Mr. Michigan informs me he is going home and before I can even follow him to the parking lot to see what is wrong he is gone. Luckily for me, the alcohol seemed to keep the events from bothering me and we all went back to Turtle's house.

We eventually did get the room, that we were ironically told to get by my elementary school friend when she stumbled upon us making out. Once again we reached second base, but as I am not clearly future wife material in his opinion (and he is only increasing his number into double digits when he meets his potential future wife) I woke up the next morning fairly sexually frustrated and very much awake. I believed that everyone was still sleeping, so I just laid there trying to fall back to sleep and figured that my elementary school friend would wake me up when she had to leave. I was clearly mistaken because I had Turtle call the boy toy (my phone was in my purse in the living room) to see if they were decent because I needed to go and it was after lunch already. We were then informed that my elementary school friend peaced out earlier that morning and didn't want to disturb me.

The boys luckily agreed to drive me home (although wearing my high heels and halter top from the night before probably would have helped me in hitchhiking). When we got to my house, of course like three of my neighbors are outside and got a fabulous view of my walk of shame, where upon reaching the door, I found a note form HD saying "come over." Just when I thought things couldn't possibly get funnier, my Dad calls because apparently my parents had been trying to reach me all morning and were now quite concerned. Without thinking I replied that I was just now getting in because I spent the night at Turtle's house. My Dad then asked if Turtle was my new boyfriend, to which I replied definitely not, which by the way was definitely not the right answer. Thirty minutes later I finally manage to get my Dad off the phone and calmed down, and I attempt to contact Mr. Michigan to smooth things over. You'll be pleased to know that after four days of waiting, I finally got a response and all seems well for right now, and yes, I learned my lesson that you don't kiss boys in front of boys who may be interested in you! I also definitely learned that you don't try to explain to your father where you have been as you are hungover and trying to make it into your house as inconspicuously as possible from an all nighter!

"Let's Try Goodbye"

I am just curious if lying is one of the items Darwin had in mind when he devised the whole natural selection plan. Being male, he must have clearly anticipated it as a way to pick up women because as I have come to discover all males lie in order to get what they want. For instance, I had dinner with PTA and his former colleague tonight, where apparently he developed amnesia and couldn't seem to remember things that we had previously discussed. Specifically those things that were previously discussed during our 4 hour long phone conversation last week.

I gave said male the benefit of the doubt and assumed that he was attempting to keep things as professional as possible and not acknowledge to his former co-workers that we had spoken as much as we had. Fast forward to us walking to our cars, where said co-worker gives me a hug goodbye, but I get absolutely nothing from PTA!!! Then fast forward about 30 more minutes later where PTA calls to tell me how hot I look and how bad he wants to come over, but before our conversation is finished, he is already making excuses! I am so tired of the lies!!!! For once, I would just appreciate it if he was straight with me. I'm not stupid to the point where I can't see through the excuses, and honesty would earn so many more bonus points with me. With this being said, maybe it's time that I focus on the professional relationship and forget the personal one since he clearly doesn't have the balls to tell me the truth! I am so over this whole situation (well at least I am until the alcohol wears off)!!!

"Girls Just Want to Have Fun"

A former housemate of mine is getting married this October, and I thought I would throw her a little shindig to help her celebrate her last few months of freedom before she disappears into the abyss of newlywed status. I also thought what better way to help her get ready for the sex that is most likely to accompany this abyss than a sex toy party prior to hitting the town. We drank our Tie Me to the Bedposts and laughed as we applied edible lotions to our arms to taste the flavors, and the comments and giggles that followed could only mean that we were in for one very interesting night! As we all took turns ordering we of course drank more alcohol, which only served to fuel our new found love affair for Tiny, the 15 inch giant purple penis. While I have not had the pleasure of seeing the Paris Hilton sex tape, I am quite sure that our pictures posing with our new friend would probably serve as some hefty competition in the scandal department.

As we headed downtown to hit the bars, we could be classified into three groups, the sober drivers, the drunker ones, and the drunkest ones. Since death seemed a much better option than moving even a millimeter in my bed the next morning, I am pretty sure that I could be classified into the later group (well that and the fact that right before we left I sucked down two more drinks like they were Kool-Aid without mixing in Sprite so it was basically 32 ounces of liquor). I am not 100% sure of the events that followed, but I am pretty sure that they were along the lines of me slightly flashing the bouncer some cleavage because the bachelorette had lost her license somewhere between my house and the bar. Then, as if I hadn't already had enough to drink, I kept on drinking at the bar. There were some key moments as I am sure you can imagine where all 15 of us got excited about the poles and did our best stripper impressions. I am pretty sure that my other friend's new boy toy thinks that I propositioned him as I made the comment that we tend to share when she went to the bathroom (I swear I was talking about dancing partners). Then upon being felt up while dancing by some really young short guy, I looked at him and held my hand out above my head and told him that he needed to be "this tall to ride this ride." Just when I thought the night couldn't be anymore entertaining, we found HD waiting on the tailgate of his truck for me in his driveway and he had left me another love note (ok well really a booty call note) on my door. As his roommate, the drunkard, was out of town at the beach, I eventually followed him next door. All I can say is that serious talk + excessive amounts of alcohol = one very bad idea and nothing I say once the room starts spinning should be taken at face value!

"Only The Good Die Young"

I originally started this blog as a form of self-therapy in order to express my pent-up feelings towards the male sex. However, recent events have left me with a variety of feelings that I am quite honestly having a hard time expressing. I hope that you will indulge me in this brief departure from my normal content to make an attempt to express to those of you who have touched my life how much you truly mean to me.

I first experienced the death of a peer the summer between Seventh and Eighth Grade. Unfortunately, from this point I would experience such an event about one or two times a year. Only one of these peers did I actually know on a somewhat limited personal level, and when I graduated high school, it all seemed to cease. At least it did until this past Friday, and which point I arrived home to learn that one of my suitemates had passed away as a result of complications from childbirth. I let out a sigh of relief as I learned that the baby was fine. Since I had lived in the same suite with this person for both freshman and sophomore years, this was definitely the closest friend that I have known to pass away. I went through shock, tears, sickness, and finally I understood the saying comfortably numb as I found it impossible to feel anything else.

I attended the memorial service this morning, and felt ashamed that I had not been in contact with her and many of my other suitemates since graduation. In remembering those two years, I regret not being able to tell her how many happy memories she gave me as a gift and how I valued our friendship. In today's hectic world, it seems all too easy to let friendships fall by the wayside as we make less and less time to tell people how much we love them. With this in mind, to all my friends, wherever you may be, please know that I love you and you have all touched my life in your own special way. To those that have offered their support and words of encouragement over these past few days, thank you because it certainly would have been hard to get through this without you. Lastly, to Spamela, I know you are looking down on everyone right now, and please know how many wonderful memories you have given me! You have a beautiful new son, and I will always remember the days of Brannock 202B!!!

"Kiss Me Fool"

A very dear friend called me recently to ask if I wanted to grab a drink with her that evening. Since I was off the following day from work and it was pitcher night at one of my favorite bars, she certainly didn't have to twist my arm very hard. I was also very excited about the prospect of seeing her and spending some quality girl time. I picked her up and we headed downtown to start what would be the first of several pitchers that evening.

As with any girls' night, the talk moved in the direction of the male sex. At this point, the friend felt compelled to apologize to a former fling who had rather gentlemanly held her hair back and rubbed her back as she was bent over my porch railing a few weeks prior. Text messages followed, and before we knew it he was on his way to the bar with a friend to meet us for drinks. The friend he brought also happened to be a guy I knew from high school, who I'll call Turtle for reasons that will be obvious soon. We shared quite a few pitchers that evening, and somehow our conversation evolved to the subject of hot tubs. At this point, Turtle asked a theoretical question as to whether or not I would go back to his place if he promised me a dip in the hot tub. You see, he was contemplating the idea and was conducting a very scientific research study to qualify his purchase. As many of you know, I have an affinity for hot tubs, so my official reply to the study was yes. Those of you who have conducted research in the past know that any legitimate study must have a control subject, which happened to be the question of whether I would return to his place since he didn't have said hot tub. My official reply to this question was maybe. As the bar began to close, my friend and I held a conference in the ladies' room in which we agreed to return to the Turtle's house for at least a little bit.

My friend and I were not sure of the best way to arrive at the house, so we split up and her interest rode with me. He questioned what I thought of the Turtle, mentioned that I was definitely the Turtle's type, and explained that I may have to make the first move. My response was that I do not make the first move, particularly when I have very little evidence of said interest. Therefore, when we arrived at the house, the boys were forced to have a little pep talk as the Turtle originally started to do laundry. We later went in the living room and began to watch a movie, and shortly after my friend and her interest left the living room and moved to the other bedroom. I thought to myself, maybe now he will finally make a move on me! I was sadly mistaken though and found myself transported back to the high school game of "Will He or Won't He." It started with a hand on my thigh, slowly progressing to hand holding, then his head on my shoulder as he put his arms around me. My best guesstimate would be that almost an hour and a half later, he finally kissed me! He then suggested that as the couch was not very comfortable, we move to his bedroom. He was a perfect gentleman as we lay there talking, me laying on top of him as he scratched my back and mixing in an occasional kiss. As I rolled over to go to sleep, he earned major bonus points as he turned to spoon me, entwine my fingers with his, and every now and then kiss my shoulder. I guess the fable about the turtle proves true because clearly slow and steady wins the race!

"Radar Love"

I am convinced that men are equipped with a special radar device. This device alerts them when a female is making an attempt to move on and is no longer thinking about them at least once an hour on the hour. I am thinking that the device provides a statement that only any male ever associated with you in a romantic or even booty call way can hear such as, "Danger, danger, she's moving on and if you don't act quickly you'll miss out." Anyone who has ever been on a date with a guy only to find three voicemails from other men can surely attest to this theory. It is clearly an evolutionary device that has developed over time as people move apart to help men keep options open for planting their seeds. I am not entirely sure of the scientific background for this theory, but I feel certain that it has to do with some unknown signal produced by the female that is not limited by distance because let's face it, at least one of those voicemails was left by a male who wasn't even in the same state at the time.

Case in point, this weekend I decided to move on and keep things strictly professional with PTA (because I am neurotic enough without trying to be friends with someone who I want to jump every time I see him), and I was beginning to open up to the idea of the possibility of The Pilot. Granted we haven't met yet or even talked on the phone, but we seem to have a lot in common (the most important thing being that we are both single). Nevertheless, one afternoon this week PTA decided to give me a call. Just when I thought I could maybe move on and that maybe everything I was feeling was just sexual frustration, he pops back in just long enough to get back in my head! He even went as far to tell me to give him a call sometime when I'm bored! What the hell does that mean?!? Now as many of you know because I am constantly going through my contacts when I am driving, I can be a talker when I am driving long periods by myself. I am very concerned that on Wednesday, I have a long ride back to my house after I spend a few days at the beach. My question is should I actually call him if I get bored driving? Help!!!

"Friend is a Four Letter Word"

This weekend I decided that I am officially throwing in the towel when it comes to the two male prospects in my life. I would like to say that I am doing it because I want to focus on my career, have some time for myself, learn a new hobby, or some other admirable reason, but the truth is while each scenario has its own reason, they are much more shallow!

I met Mr. Michigan through a friend of a friend, and while I have suspicions that he may be slightly interested, I just don't have the energy with this one for the typical games we play. I suspect that my lack of energy and not even remotely feeling butterflies in my stomach at the mention of his name may be due to the fact that deep down, I am "just not that into him." I think I am more excited about the prospect of having someone than being with him, and I value his friendship too much to try something. I did decide, to quote a work acquaintance, to pimp him out to my sister. I think they are more along the same wavelengths, and why not keep him in the family! Plus I decided that I would rather be alone than be with someone for the wrong reasons (I know a certain future-therapist friend is jumping for joy right now after that statement).

Saturday night, I spent a fabulous girls' night with one of my sorority sisters, where we decided that Mr. Emotionally Unavailable just really wasn't that fun of a nickname. We decided to rename him the Pathetic Taken Asshole, or PTA for short. This was brought about by my deciding that my feelings for this particular guy are just simply too strong to only be friends. I came about this realization while reading an e-mail from another AOII on Thursday comparing women to apples. The e-mail stated that the best apples are often found at the top of the tree, but often men are content to settle for the lower apples because they are afraid to climb. As I sat at the computer shedding a few tears, I realized that he just isn't a climber and is content to settle and that I want someone who will climb for me! In reviewing the matter with a few members of my support group (because let's face it, I have been practically addicted to this guy), it was decided that I should try to limit the "friend" contact and keep things mostly professional until I can really move on.

I feel as though I have grown this weekend, but I am sure it will all change as soon as a new boy enters the picture! Sometimes it is just so hard to teach a girl new tricks when a boy is involved!

"Cold Beverage"

Last night happened to be the birthday of one of my amazing friends. It also happened to be the night that The Breakfast Club was in town, so we decided to go to the show. I also did not have to drive (a rare occurrence I know) thanks to one of my other amazing friends. I was also planning to meet up with some other friends at the bar. One of these friends happens to be a boy, who I'll call Mr. Michigan, that I met through another friend.

Several of my friends have been telling me to go for things with Mr. Michigan since my birthday in January based on the fact that we look so cute together. I'm not necessarily opposed to the idea, as we always have a fabulous time together, but there are issues that certainly complicate the situation (I know what you are thinking here, but he actually broke up with his girlfriend in March so that is no longer one of the issues). Perhaps the biggest reason I haven't gone for it yet is that I honestly can't tell if he is into me. Take last night for example, he went up to the bar on the roof with his friends, but when I couldn't get up there because of the long line, he left his friends to come back and find me. Also, as we were standing there watching the band, whenever I would move slightly away from him even if it was just to say something to one of my friends, he would watch me to see where I was going. In my opinion, these signs point to the fact that he may be interested in me, but then when we went to leave I got the same hug that my other friends received. What's a girl to think?!?

On a side note, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable e-mailed me this morning to apologize for not getting in touch with me on Friday. He was "having e-mail trouble," which I haven't decided if I believe yet or not. He wants to have lunch this Monday, but I'm not sure what I want (well I know what I want so maybe should is a better term) do. I'm slightly hungover (more dehydrated probably than anything since I only have a headache) with no ibuprofen in the house, which means that I am trying not to think too hard until the headache goes away. Any suggestions on what I should do?!?

"Give It Up"

Last night, Mr. Emotionally Unavailable became Mr. Completely Unavailable. I had e-mailed him on Wednesday confirming our dinner plans for Friday (keep in mind that he was the one who suggested dinner). When I still hadn't heard from him on Friday, I gave him the benefit of the doubt as I wasn't entirely sure the original e-mail went through due to the storms causing some issues with remotely accessing my e-mail. Prior to leaving for lunch on Friday, I sent him another e-mail stating that it was fine if he needed to cancel, but that I was trying to get my schedule ready for sales calls that afternoon and I didn't know what time he would want to meet. I returned from lunch to find that he read my message at 11:49 am, but I still didn't have a response. Once again, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and made the assumption he was just in meetings.

Last night, I was officially stood up! I mean I understand if he was unable to call, but is it that hard to send a quick e-mail or text message with a one-word reply of yes or no?!? Men are such utter hypocrites!!! Last week all I heard was about how he was hesitant to get involved because he respected me and didn't want for things to become weird. Well, he obviously doesn't respect me and he has officially made things weird! I am officially done with this situation and am moving on to find someone who can at least call to cancel when plans are made. On a positive note, with all the summer sales, I did get two cute new work outfits last night!

"Lover Lay Down"

Recently Mr. Emotionally Unavailable became Mr. Slightly Emotionally Available. Upon him leaving Charlotte one night, I joking asked if he was on his way to Greensboro, to which his replay was to ask if he should be. Several promiscuous promises by later, he was on his way. A second phone call answered the questions that had been plaguing my curiosity since the flirtation began, but did little to reassure me at that point that I would ever be anything other than president of the Dirty Mistresses' Club. Still, I was optimistic and thought that maybe over time, he would eventually realize his true feelings for me (I know I am such a cliche, but what can I say, I really like the guy). A third phone call revealed that he was too tired to drive, and I was invited to his hotel room (I know, I know, but a girl has needs). So at 12:30 am, I was on my way to his hotel, and since I hadn't done anything like this for quite some time, I must admit it was pretty exciting and I made the trip in record time.

As I woke him up when I arrived (I had him hide the key in the bushes), there wasn't any doubt as to what was on his mind as he pulled me on top of him and started to kiss me. Our clothes quickly came off, and as we were about to take things further, he admitted that he couldn't do it. I was torn between feeling like the most sexually frustrated girl on the planet and thrilled that he was that good of a guy! I have never been so intimate with a man as I was laying there naked in his arms talking, and for the first time ever, I finally let my guard down completely. I ended up leaving the hotel room and headed back to my house. I was also relieved that he called the next day and we made plans for the following week.

To all of those boys in high school that I felt it was fun to tease, I am offering my sincere apologies because I know officially know that the concept of "blue balls" actually does exist and it is no laughing matter. Also, to all of those who thought that the sexual tension was the majority of the appeal and that if an when we ever had sex it wouldn't live up to the hype, you were definitely out of the ballpark if my little preview was anything to go by!!!

"Life in the Fast Lane"

Ok, so Mr. Beach Stud added me as a friend on Facebook today, at which point I obviously checked his relationship status. In playing detective on his page (I swear it was all right on the page for everyone to see so I am not stalking him) I noticed that on May 2, 2007, he changed his relationship status to "in a relationship" and then on May 9, 2007, he changed it to "engaged." I mean who does that!!!! I scrolled down to his wall posts, and he had been active on the site, so it's not like he disappeared for awhile and then came back. I seriously want to know who gets engaged after 7 days?!? I mean am I the only person that thinks that is moving a little fast?!? I can barely get a guy to commit to a second date in 7 days let alone the rest of his life to me!!!

Now I'm curious as to why he messaged me out of the blue too! I guess I really am destined to be president of the Dirty Mistresses' Club!!!

"It's Raining Men"

Have you ever noticed that there are periods in your life where for a brief time, you could be dropped into the middle of a female locker room and still walk away having met a member of the male sex?!? Personally, I would like to figure out the cause for my apparent sex appeal during these points so that I could continue to use it, even if on a smaller scale, during the not so much a man magnet parts of my life. Nonetheless, I have obviously been named the dish du jour on the buffet of love, ok well maybe just lust, for the time being and the males are lining up!

It all started last week when Mr. High School Crush entered back into the picture, in the meantime I have also noticed more guys holding doors open, smiling, and saying hi, then I seemed to meet a few more guys than normal while out on Saturday night, and today when I came home from work there was an instant message from Mr. Beach Stud himself. For those of you who haven't heard the story of Mr. Beach Stud, we met my sophomore year of high school (his junior year) through a friend of a friend. He lived in Wilmington, NC at the time and had a girlfriend (yes, I am finally beginning to see the pattern), so nothing ever developed romantically. Almost every night though we would take turns calling one another where we flirt quite ridiculously and talk about almost everything under the sun. We would occasionally meet in Raleigh when our schedules permitted, but things were always platonic with the exception of the rather intense flirting. Mr. Beach Stud took some time off and worked in order to pay for college after high school, and I would hear from him every now and then. I was out in Raleigh with some friends about five years ago, and we ran into each other. We met up the following weekend and had our first date, where we also had our first kiss. The kiss was everything I thought it would be and more, and I literally felt as if I was floating on a cloud as I drove home. As my luck would have it, Mr. Beach Stud appeared to fall off the face of the planet right after our date, and I wouldn't hear from him for almost two years, at which point he would then crush me by telling me he was engaged! At first, I ignored his e-mails because quite frankly I just couldn't handle another guy not picking me even just to date, let alone marriage, and then eventually the e-mails stopped. I am sure that you can imagine my surprise to find his message today after all of that! My guess is that either the wedding never happened and Mr. Beach Stud is now once again single, or the wedding did happen and after a few years of marriage he is bored and looking for a fling. I guess that I shouldn't be surprised considering my knack for playing the Dirty Mistress role lately!

Just so you know, I did walk away from the computer and spend about 20 minutes trying to keep myself entertained before curiosity got the better of me and I looked him up on Facebook. I know, I know, but a girl has to enjoy the floods while they last because the drought is sure to follow in another week or so as it always seems to do!!!

"Oh What a Night"

The music heard in route to a bar inevitably sets the tone for the night. As I picked up my best friend since kindergarten and headed downtown, the music gods smiled upon us and played a few songs that were vital to our tenure in high school. Bitch by Meredith Brooks happened to be one of these songs, and as we were driving singing, "I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees," I knew that the night would be anything but ordinary.

Another indicator of an interesting night was the toast we selected as we drank our beers on the patio at Mcoul's. "Here's to the boys that we love. Here's to the boys that love us, but the boys that we love aren't the boys that love us so fuck the boys, here's to us!" That simple toast and the fact that we hadn't seen each other for six months, helped put us into a sassy mood as we hit the town. I mean what else could possibly lead me to tell Mr. High School Crush, "Just so you know, I plan on taking you home tonight, and I can't do that if you don't meet us."

Fast forward to the high points of the night at The Rhino, where a guy surely in his late thirties bought me a beer and attempted to impress me by doing the escalator and elevator, the bouncer telling me that I can rip his shirt off anytime when I told him he looked like Clark Kent with the pretend glasses and I was just waiting for him to duck in a phone booth and come out with his Superman suit, and being told by Ms. Elementary School that she wasn't hitting on me but I just looked sexy.

The after party ended up being at my house, where my neighbor, Mr. High School Crush, and Crush's lacrosse teammate joined us three girls. Once the boys arrived, I disappeared with Mr. High School Crush for a bit, and let me tell you, as his arms were wrapped around me, the fact that I still really haven't heard much from Mr. Emotionally Unavailable was the furthest thing from my mind. I guess it's really true what they say about how the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new!!!

"Back in the Saddle"

As I kept alternating between moping around the house and man-hating bitch mode last night, I suddenly heard my phone beep from a text message. I couldn't imagine who would possibly be sending me a message after 11:00 pm on a Wednesday night, so I didn't have high hopes when I flipped my phone open. To my pleasant surprise, it was Mr. High School Crush, who I have been on and off again with pretty much since sophomore year of high school. Lucky for me, we have managed to stay friends through all this without any weirdness because he wanted to let me know that he was in town for the week, and asked if I wanted to get together. I texted him back saying of course I would love to see him, while secretly thinking it could be just the distraction I needed from Mr. Emotionally Unavailable! After receiving my text, he called me and we made tentative plans for this weekend. Now I know what you're thinking because many of you know that he does have a bad habit of flaking out, but he even called me tonight while I was out to dinner to make sure that I was still planning on getting together this weekend and to see if I wanted to hang out with him and the boys tonight. After some suggestive flirting, I told him to have fun with the boys, and that I would definitely call him tomorrow but that I was going to pass on tonight!

In the meantime, I swear he must have some kind of psychic powers as to when I start to move on because Mr. Emotionally Unavailable himself called me today as well! I didn't even begin to make any progress, but at least I haven't fallen completely off his radar!

I may be down from time to time with the boys, but at least I am never out for very long! In the meantime, I am going to have one fun Friday night!!!

"You Don't Know My Name"

During my brief dabble into the country music scene, I attended a Tim McGraw concert with some friends and met a boy at the show. Allow me to set the scene for you....

I had gone to work, and left early afternoon where on my drive home I received what I thought to be at the time, very exciting news. I began to celebrate as I was getting dressed, and was on my fourth drink as we left for the show. As I obviously wasn't driving, I continued to drink once we arrived as well. Within our row, I was at the end of my friends, then there was a couple next to me, and finally a guy next to them with his friends. Now as the show started, I was feeling pretty good and I notice that the guy in my row keeps looking down our row. At first I thought maybe we had escaped from the local insane asylum, but when my friends went to the bathroom and he smiled and waved at me, I realized that he had been checking me out the whole time! I wrote my name and number down and passed it down to him at the end of the show, and he called that night!

The only problem with passing my number to Concert Guy was that I didn't know his name. Furthermore, with his thick country accent, half the time I didn't understand what he was saying, so I probably agreed to all sorts of things in those first few weeks! After calling his voicemail several times when I knew his phone would be off (I swear I am not a stalker), my friends and I decided that we were pretty sure his name was Corban.

Fast-foward almost three years later, and we still talk occasionally. Then the other night, we were trying to find each other on Facebook. I explained that I couldn't find him, and after going back and forth he finally checked that I was spelling Corbett correctly! As it turns out, for the entire time I have known him, I have been calling him by the wrong name! Never once after a voicemail, conversation, or introducing him to my friends did he ever correct me!!!

"White Wedding"

Recently someone told me that they were surprised to find out that I would consider marriage as a possibility. I was told that up to that point, I didn't give off the impression of being the "marrying kind." Is there really a marrying kind? I mean look at Hollywood, there are marriages that last only minutes, and then even some of the marriages that seem to last fall to pieces in full view of the public eye.

I would like to think that instead of being the marrying kind, that I am the content kind. Meaning that if the right guy were to come along, I would like to think that I would be open to the idea of marriage and possibly even a family. However, if I sit around waiting for Prince Charming to knock on my door, chances are the only knocks I will be getting will be from the boys that live next door. Since I have already determined that they definitely aren't my Mr. Right, I am choosing to embrace my singleness and not settle. Maybe some would call my lifestyle that of a party girl, but I'd like to think that by truly living I will eventually learn what makes me happy and appreciate it that much more when I find it!